More on Secrets

I can personally say that, bearing in mind what I blogged about yesterday, it is far easier to 'get it off your chest' than to keep quiet about the deepest, darkest things that one wants to hide away. And that if God is the only person (being?) one can turn to, then that is certainly better than having no-one to turn to. I know what it is to have no-one to turn to but God. I once made a mistake, and lost a friend as a result. It hurt, like nothing else could hurt. I was so angry at myself for being so stupid. I eventually found comfort in the fact that God knows everything about me before I even talk to him, and that he still loves me, even when I make mistakes. And he doesn't go telling what he knows to those around me. He listens when I turn to him, and does not judge me. I could talk to him about how I felt, and even knowing that he alone (at the time) knew what I'd done, it was strangely comforting.

In my friendships I do what I can to provide my friends, when they're hurting, with a safe haven. I have always maintained that 'it is always better to have at least one person one can talk to' - and if they have no-one else who will listen, I do my best to be that listener.

I think however, that one needs to include, along with these 'secrets', frustrations. I get very frustrated about things (and it's an old frustration ... some things do not change), and I rarely let people know that I am frustrated. This is because there's often fingers pointing away from me, but I then remember that there some pointing back at me too, and that makes me think. I can honestly say that I have yet to find out why those fingers point back at me.

My Mom has always told me that writing things down is the best way to deal with secrets and frustrations, because then God can work with it. It certainly is therapeutic to write, although for many years playing the piano was the therapy that would put my thoughts back on track when I was frustrated. I think the most important thing to do is, find something constructive that allows your mind to free-wheel while you're busy, and that builds you up instead of breaks you down. Playing music and writing definitely appear to be two options - for me, at least.

In Search of an Identity

A few weeks ago I blogged about the necessity of having a consistent and clean internet identity. That, to me, seemed to be the end of discussion on the topic of identities - although I knew that there was more to consider. In short order I find myself grappling with it again. This is partly because I have realised that one needs to be relatively comfortable with one's own identity before one can really develop an internet identity.

I cannot say that I'm really a person who has an identity - but I do not say that I have none. I think that most of my life has been a search for an identity, and I will continue to search for many years, I'm sure.

School was not, for me, an enjoyable time. I felt boxed in, and not allowed to be myself. This, however, just raises the question: what do I mean by 'myself? I've always loved reading. Over the years, however, it became a retreat from the world - an escape from the challenges that I could not deal with. Science fiction and fantasy topped the list of to-be-reads - mostly because they put me in a different place from where I was physically and mentally.

Many of my peers also classed me as an academic. Although the top academics were far more popular than I ever could have hoped to have been, this one fact somehow set me apart - ostracised me, in fact. Unknown to them was the hurt that this caused - mostly because one of my older brothers was a very strong academic and I never felt that I was quite up to standard. Knowing what one can achieve in one's own right (and I knew that I had it in me to achieve academically) doesn't mean that one necessarily achieves it. In fact, I rebelled against this particular box to the extent that I was eventually diagnosed with ADD, managing to fail both academic and music exams along the way. Yet another box for me to climb out of.


About the only thing that saved my sanity at this time was the fact that I played the piano. I would go to bed very frustrated with life and people, and would wake up equally frustrated. I practiced the piano every morning before school for an hour, and I have come to realise what a therapy this was for me. At the time I did realise that, as I was playing, I would start off angry and frustrated, but that as time when on, that anger and frustration would dissipate, and I would end the practice session on a far more stable footing with the world.

I do not think that the issues raised at this time were ever resolved - but things did start to change when I reached university.